Tobi's Buffet
by Gabbyrella
Summary: Akatsuki meal time is very......Interesting. Rated K plus for Hidan's potty mouth and labeled Crack fic. COMPLETE PEEPS!
1. Chapter 1: Akatsuki Dinner

Disclaimer: Characters belong to the Naruto series! This is just a random fanfic. Akatsuki style! XD

Tobi's Buffet

Chapter 1: Akatsuki Dinner

Tobi sat and looked around curiously. The eating room was completely empty in the usually roughed up Akatsuki headquarters.

Poor Tobi, he became very frightened at meal time. An hour before every meal he would get out his wood cleaner and wood polish, the ducky yellow rag and his cleaning apron. He would scrub the black dinning table and chair's until they where glimmering and shiny.

Each time he replaced the table's mats. Red bamboo mats Sunday supper, white mats for Tuesday lunch and an occasional table center piece like nice red flowers to compliment the blood red walls.

One time Tobi tried scrubbing the walls clean, since it was stained in some places, probably from food fights. He scrubbed and got a bad feeling that the red on the walls actually wasn't paint. When he asked the Leader, the leader just gave him shifty eyes and said that it wasn't indeed paint.

Hidan heard tried scaring him by telling him that the red walls is due to when they defeated the enemy and Zetsu would have his great share of meal and he painted the walls in the enemy's blood. But Tobi was uneasy whether to believe this or not.

The room did have a smell, but he usually fixed that by cleaning the floor with lemon bubbly water, making the scarred wooden floors shine.

He was proud of the work in his eating room.

It was completely empty today, since the Akatsuki where all out through the headquarters, not bothering with the eating room until meal time. Two minutes until eating time.

Tobi walked into the kitchen, a door off one wall, also red, and found he was not the only one.

There was Kisame opening the fridge and extracting a raw giant squid, which he plopped on a ruined metal plate. (This also concerned Tobi; they used steel plates instead of real and nice ones)

Kisame turned his eyes to Tobi and grinned. "Tobi." He bellowed. "Mind if I start eating early? Squid's bin calling me all day."

"Yeeeeeaaaaah……….." Squawked Tobi, noticing the squid's legs was hanging off the side, goo trailing on the tiled floor.

Kisame looked at him quizzically. "…"

"Kisame-senpai…." But he faltered, thinking it was useless, his table would just get messy anyways.

"Okay, I'm out." Kisame said, he came to Tobi and ruffled Tobi's hair, chuckling. "Funny kid, aren't you?"

Then he disappeared to the eating room.

Tobi stood there and then decided to follow, not wanting to witness what other messy food was going into the dinning room.

Kisame took his regular seat, the third to the door on the right side. He placed his Samehada behind his chair and then he dug his hands into the squid, trying to break it apart, slime already flying on the table.

"Tobi, remove that apron. It makes you look soft." Mused a voice behind him, Deidara pushed passed him carrying a metal bowl of quick-cook ramen in one hand and a metal bowl of clay in another.

"Deidara-sempai, can you……………" began Tobi.

Deidara just looked at him.

"Can you feed your hands in your room?"

Deidara laughed. "All mouth's get fed at once." And turned to sit on the other side of Kisame.

"Master Kisame," Greeted Deidara, nodding towards Kisame.

Kisame looked up, extracting a small piece of rubbery blubber from the squid and grinned his sharky grin.

Itachi came in next, his sharp red sharingan boring invisible holes of fire, carrying a mysterious bag and a plate of rice. He sat at Kisame's right, two seats from the head of the table, or the Leader's spot.

If only Itachi knew Tobi was an Uchiha as well, but his other identity as Madara Uchiha was sealed away and referred himself as Akatsuki member Tobi for now.

Tobi disappeared into the kitchen really quick, which was currently empty (but not for long!) and returned with a simple apple, clean eating for his table.

He sat on Deidara-sempai's left, munching on the apple and watching as Itachi ripped the white bag open and turned it over the rice. Hundreds of cubes of cheery red jello came crashing down onto the white rice and bouncing onto the glossy black table, leaving marks that would soon enough turn sticky.

Tobi winced under his mask. Then feeling brave he spoke up. "Itachi-sama!" he called.

Itachi closed the latch of the bag and glared at Tobi from across the table. A moment of silence and Tobi decided to speak up. "Um, the jello-" he pointed to the blobs, he was about to say _Can you not leave jello all over the table? _But by Itachi's deathly glare he said instead, "Why do you eat jello so often?"

Deidara eyed him. The way Tobi said it was like striking up a dinner conversation with Uchiha Itachi. This was forbidden, out of the question weird, and wrong.

After several tense long moments Itachi answered in his flat-toned voice, "It's good for your nails." He help up his hand, with his well healthy purple-painted nails, then continued to pour it all over his rice once again, loosing attention of speaking to Tobi. Tobi looked back at his mat.

The door form the kitchen erupted again and Hidan and Kakuzu came in with a heated discussion, as always. Kakuzu was just saying "-eating REAL food."

"I can eat the hell what I want to eat." Retorted Hidan, they sat down on Kisame and Itachi's side. Hidan next to Kisame, and Kakuzu next to Hidan.

Hidan looked down at Kisame's squid. "What the fuck is that?!" he asked.

Kisame looked at him and answered, "I should be asking you the same thing."

Hidan's plate was the same white rice as Itachi's. Except without jello, it was littered with nails. Kakuzu was eating plain ramen. "See, even Kisame is creeped out by your habits. Waste of money and material." The Akatsuki treasurer (what Kakuzu called himself) went back to eating silently, probably counting his pocket change in his head.

"I can't die. So why the hell shouldn't I eat some damn freakin' nails once in a while?" Hidan growled and picked up a spoonful of the nails and rice.

"Salt? Hidan-sama?" Asked Tobi, plucking salt hidden behind the center piece, extending it toward Hidan.

"See?! Tobi doesn't give a damn about what I fucking eat so neither should you!" Said Hidan, giving a glare at Kakuzu. He turned to Tobi. "I don't what that god damn salt."

Tobi retreated his hand, holding the salt, rather rejected.

"Tobi, leave them alone. They don't need any more antics." Said Deidara, slurping up ramen.

He stopped and put one hand into the clay bowl. The mouth savagely dived, unlike the manor of eating explosive clay, and spluttered bits of clay over the table making Tobi grimace. "Deidara-sempai I just have better table manors than you."

Deidara let his mouths make a mess of the table but shot a threatening look at Tobi. "Dare say that to me again?" Deidara's eye flinched.

Tobi thought Deidara had a pretty blue eye, like a girl's eye. Tobi didn't take Deidara's threat and dared to say, "Women are supposed to have better table manners, Deidara-sempai."

At this Deidara scowled, his face flushing with anger. Tobi was gleefully grinning as Kisame chuckled at them, liking the liveliness of the usually boring dinner time. Deidara lunged and using his clay messy hands he clasped then around Tobi's neck of the robe and began shaking him violently. "Say that again you dobe and…You. Will. Pay!" He pushed Tobi hard.

Tobi flew out of his seat to the floor, his neck feeling sore and now his backside. He squinted and looked up, to see Zetsu looking down at him with a hungry expression. Tobi squealed like a little piggy and raced back into his seat, losing sight of his apple. Kisame, Hidan and Kakuzu however where roaring with laughter, even Zetsu was chuckling and he took his seat on the Leader's left side, next to Deidara.

Tobi snuck a peek at Deidara, who was smirking and Tobi decided to get him back later. Zetsu currently had a giant plate with raw bloody stake, making the metal plate look red.

He looked around and noticed everyone was here. The leader was eating roast duck, accompanied on his right by Blue-chan, who hadn't really been preferred by her real name, but she was really pretty-like Deidara-sempai.

But she seemed closer to the leader, sadly, Tobi like the girl-especially her long shiny blue hair. He wondered how it got so straight and shiny; he would have to ask her some day. She had her own plate of roast duck as well, both of them eating quietly. At least they didn't leave food all over the table!

Feeling like an idiot, Tobi watched helplessly as the Akatsuki devoured their meals, food and such flying across the table. Hidan was swearing at Kakuzu, still on their discussion of nails and rice. Itachi was glaring into space; Kisame was wrestling his squid for a piece, sending shivers down Tobi's spine. Leader and Blue-chan where talking quietly and Deidara was slurping up his meal, spilling by sipping form the bowl without usage of hands, because his mouths where eating clay.

Tobi didn't dare look at Zetsu.

"Damn squid." Muttered Kisame. He looked increasingly frustrated. Slowly he took his sword from the position behind his chair, now Tobi was watching at the edge of his seat. Kisame lifted it up into the air-making Tobi break into a cold sweat; it was like watching a horror movie. The Samehada claiming its squid victim-and his table was in threat to shred.

It was a slow motion moment. The sword came down. Tobi jumped from his seat and screamed, "No Kisame-sama!"

But it was too late the sword came down onto the squid and the squid burst. Guts and goo flew everywhere. Immedietly the room was in chaos from the normally silent dinner.

The tip of the sword left a shred mark in Tobi's black furnished wooden table-he took noticed of it before Hidan tipped his plate of rice and nails and Kakuzu shot up from the table, looking angrily at his ruined half-eaten ramen.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?!" Roared Hidan.

"My meal!" Kakuzu screamed, looking deathly at Kisame.

Itachi said nothing, goo trailing off his sleek black hair, looking gloomy as usual. Deidara's eyes bulged when a squid tentacle was hanging in front of eyes. Leader and Blue-chan just ducked in time, peeking over the table, their roast duck safely in their hands. Tobi was covered in most squid guts and feels the unpleasant cold slimy feeling going down his robes.

Kisame stood there looking aghast. "Oooouuuy." He whistled. "I didn't know Samehada-chan can make squid explode."

"Samehada-chan?" Asked Deidara, picking the tentacle gingerly off his blonde hair.

"Your sword is a girl? Kisame-sama?" Squawked Tobi, forgetting about his beloved table for a brief moment.

Kisame turned a deep blue, most likely blushing. The leader and Blue-chan now stood up; Blue-chan gave uneasy glances toward the leader.

"My. Fucking. God." Muttered Hidan.

Kakuzu's mouth was twitching, trying to stop from laughing. Itachi didn't look surprised at this piece of news, as the other Akatsuki members. Tobi was screeching a little to himself, in a way of laughing. But one glance at his table and he stopped. His poor, poor table.

"Kisame." Said the leader. Kisame looked over sheepishly, his sword still in his hand. "You are excused."

Kisame bowed swiftly and left the room, the leader looked at Tobi. "Tobi, you know your duty here." Tobi nodded glumly. Why couldn't his table stay clean for an hour, at least?

The rest of the Akatsuki was now standing, silent. They glanced nervously at the leader. Tobi wasn't going to start cleaning when everyone was witnessing him. Plus he really had a song stuck in his head. He just wanted to get the mop out and scrub the table, singing his song without shame.

"Well I might as well get cleaned up." Deidara concluded suddenly, he held up his hands, caked in clay. Blue-chan and Leader nodded.

"Me too. Now I got Kisame's shit all over me. Fucking fish headed bastard-" He was mumbling to himself as he left the main doors into the hallway. Kakuzu followed, whimpering with slimy money in his hand.

Zetsu slowly crept out of the room once the two partners disappeared, Itachi following-slightly scowling and adjusting the collar of his robe. Soon enough it was just Tobi, Leader and Blue-chan.

"Leader….sama." Said Tobi. The leaders gray eyes fell onto Tobi, granting permission to speak. "I-I think it would be best if we change meal time."

"Do what you want." Answered the leader. He and Blue-chan set their unfinished roast duck on the table. He turned and was leaving with a flourish, the only female Akatsuki behind him.

Tobi could hear Blue-chan. "Pein, can you believe that-" But her voice was cut off when the doors closed off.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH." Wailed Tobi. He danced nervously around the room. "This will take FOREVER to clean! Have to scrub table, floor, chairs-everything."

He stopped and took in the whole sight of the room. "Zetsu claims I'm a good boy." Mumbled Tobi, scratching his head. "But that's because all the rest are such bad boys."

He picked up his apple from the floor, laying by the kitchen door, smeared in slime. "That's it. I'll clean no more catastrophes! Were changing our eating habits now!"

And Tobi was determined.

--------------------------------------

Author's Note: Tobi a good boy! XD

Uh-oh Tobi is determined. I wonder what he's up too…

We'll find out soon when it's chappie two! Stay tuned and leave a review for Tobi's sake. I mean his table got ruined. D:

I find the Samehada-chan very amusing. By the way that's Kisame's sword is actually called….

Oh yeah –**TOBI SPOILER**- Did some Akatsuki homework for this story and found out Tobi is really Madara Uchiha-who is really telling the Leader what to do. So he's the mastermind behind the Akatsuki. It's in swear. But Madara Uchiha is a completely different person than Tobi so I figured he's got two identity things goin', and only the leader knows Tobi is Madara Uchiha.

Aw I kinda like the Obito-Tobi theory. I guess it was squashed.

Oh well-see you next chapter!


	2. Chapter 2: Shiny Hair

Claim: Characters belong to the Naruto series!

Tobi's Buffet

Chapter 2: Shiny Hair

Tobi was extremely sore the next morning. He spent almost the WHOLE night cleaning the eating room. The squid guts where easy enough with a mop-but there was so much! The thing that Tobi really didn't like was the jello stains Itachi left. Stupid Itachi and his nails.

But today he didn't feel tired, because Tobi was going to work as hard as he could too change meal time. Yup, you heard me; he was going to _work hard._

He lolled out of bed, got into his regular clothes-he always slept with his mask on-and crept out into the hall way.

The Akatsuki headquarters was plenty large. He had to think the first thing-He couldn't fix meal time before breakfast started-which was in an hour, so he thought really hard. Really, really hard until he idea popped to him: he'll cover the table so no one can ruin it anymore.

Now he was making a mental list as he racked through hall way closets.

_Cover the Table_

_Get rid of metal plates_

_Take Deidara-senpai's hair bands._

He was especially looking forward to number three. Deidara was going to have an uproar. Tobi thought, _He could wear his hair down like Blue-chan today! _The sad thing is that Deidara-senpai's hair wasn't shiny like Blue-chan's hair.

Tobi opened closets left and right. The closets filled with strange things like Sasori's puppets, another closet was filled with bolts and nails. Now he knew where Hidan got them. He opened another closet and found it full of hygiene stuff with a bunch of names.

Sadly none of them had Tobi.

Tobi looked and found Blue-chan's stuff. It was in the right corner on the top shelf. He wanted to see how she made her hair shiny so he reached up on his tip-toes to grab one of her shampoo bottles, he had to move a little more careful because Itachi's was near hers with exploding tags plastered on them.

He finally grabbed the bottle, it said:

_Pearl Waves__ Conditioner_

_Extra shine and volume for thick hair._

When he saw the word shine his eye's glittered. He should take some for Deidara-sempai.

"What are you doing with my shampoo?" Said a voice behind him.

He whirled around to see Blue-chan, carrying a towel and a bundle of clothes in her arms.

"I'm soooorrryyyy!" He cried, dropping the bottle like if it was highly toxic. "I-I only wanted to know how you got your hair shiny…Blue-chan."

"Don't call me Blue-chan." She said firmly, picking up the bottle. "It's Blue-sama to you."

"Okay Blue-sama." Said Tobi, a little frightened.

"Don't mess with an Akatsuki woman's hair products." She said, brushing past him and taking two more bottles, adding them to her pile.

"Like Deidara-sempai?" Tobi ducted suddenly, seeing if Deidara would jump out of nowhere to attack him again. Blue gave him a quizzical look.

He stood up, realizing that Deidara wasn't here and grinned under his mask. "Deidara-senpai doesn't have shiny hair like you."

"Hn" She said, looking slightly amused. "What are you doing in the closets anyways?"

He looked at her for a long time. Then finally answered, "That's a seeccreettt!" And giggled, hopping away leaving a confused Blue-chan.

"Why in the world did Pein let him join?" She muttered walking away to her shower.

Tobi stopped at the end of another hall, by the training grounds. He found a closet and opened it. Then it dawned on him.

The golden heavenly light fell on top a rough fabric that made Tobi squeal in delight. A tarp! It was perfect. They could make the biggest mess and it wouldn't touch his table! He picked up the gray tarp, which looked fairly new, and hobbled toward the meal room with it. It sure was heavy.

He took the long way around to Deidara-sempai's room, dropped the tarp by the door and peeked in.

Deidara was snoring on his bed, in a heavy sleep. Tobi giggled with glee and hoped to a drawer in his desk. He opened it up to find it full of hair bands. Giggling in Tobi's evil way, he took the whole pile and stuffed it in his robe. Then he snuck back out.

He took his time thinking about the plates when he came to the eating room. Inside, now super-clean thanks to Tobi, and began to cover the tarp over the table. He sniffled at the sight where Samehada scraped the table.

Then he went into the kitchen and got garbage bags, which he covered the chairs, and newspapers to cover the floor.

Proud of his work, he got a bowl of cereal and sat down in his chair. He giggled. It made funny noises when you sit in it.

Fifteen minutes later the Akatsuki members began to file into the room, Tobi waited eagerly to see their reactions.

Itachi was first, carrying a plate of grapes, thankfully no jello. He said nothing as he sat down, but his eyes did flick around the room. Tobi wondered how he could sit down and not make any noise.

Leader came in second and took the head seat, with a bowl of ramen that was spilling a little over the top and landed on the tarp. The leader said nothing like Itachi.

Blue-chan came in next with ramen too; she ate whatever the leader ate. But her's wasn't all the way to the top.

Hidan came in quietly with cereal (Tobi could swear he could see floating nails in it) and sat down.

Now he really looked at the room and his mouth dropped. "Why the hell do we have all the furniture covered?"

"Because, Hidan-sama, we're messy eaters." Said Tobi.

Hidan snorted and began eating.

Zetsu came in next, carrying a chicken on a plate and sat. He looked around the room and commented, "Tobi's work."

Tobi nodded proudly, while Hidan started erupting a quiet mumble of curses.

Kakuzu came in, carrying a melting chocolate cookie on a plate. The chocolate was so melted it ran off onto the table. He looked around and his eyes bulged. "Do you have _any_ idea how much these garbage bags cost?!" The Aakatsuki treasurer accused. "Who did this stupid thing?" He glanced suspiciously at Hidan.

"Why the hell are you looking at me?" Roared Hidan.

"Because you like to tick me off." Responded Kakuzu, putting his hands on his hips.

"Don't give me the bitchy pose, Tobi fucking did it."

Kakuzu looked at Tobi. "I spent five bucks on a whole box! Now you have to ruin them you jackass."

"Sorry." Winced Tobi and Kakuzu's deathly glare. "It's only today, Kakuzu-sama! I'm a good boy! Don't hurt me!" he clapped enthusiastically.

Kakuzu groaned and sank into his seat, lifting the melted cookie off his plate, sloshing his cup of milk in the process.

Kisame came in, with no squid, still looking sheepish. He had sushi unwrapped, looking a tad bit outdated.

And then Deidara-sempai came in. Actually he burst in, swinging the doors. "TOBI!" he roared.

His hair was down and messy, which made him look funnier than he had been before. His fierce face turned to Tobi. "Give me back my HAIR BANDS!" He ran at Tobi, but Tobi jumped on the table-earning complaints from all the Akatsuki members.

Tobi laughed and danced on the table as Deidara climbed up, his arms stretched to strangle Tobi. Tobi jumped off, wiggling and mocking Deidara from the door. "Deidara-sempai I'll give you back your hair bands,-he lifted a hair band from his robe, making Deidara turned red with anger-"If you do me a faaavvvvooor."

"What?" Deidara asked through clenched teeth.

Tobi dragged Deidara to the kitchen. Once the door swung shut they faced each other. "Deidara-sempai has to make me two dozen plates, a bowl for each member and a dozen cups. With clay. Not exploding clay like you like it, Deidara-sempai. Regular."

Deidara fumed. "Wha-why? Tobi?"

Tobi put his finger to his mask. "Shhhhh, it's a secret. I told inner Tobi I would tell no one."

Deidara winced. "I get all of them back?" he asked in a small voice.

Tobi grinned. "Yup."

"Fine." Deidara answered moodily. "I'll give you them later; now give me back my hair bands."

"Gotta make the plates fiiirrrrsssst." Said Tobi mockingly.

-----------------------

The Akatsuki sat still, hearing a sudden explosion in the kitchen. Pots and pans and other metal dishes clattered and clanked and the room vibrated. Over the noise they could Tobi screaming in mock anguish and Deidara yelling very inappropriate things, even for Hidan.

"Whoa." Muttered Hidan wide-eyes, listening to Deidara's rant. "I never heard _that _word before"

Kakuzu turned slightly green at hearing the destruction of the kitchen utensils. "That-that kit cost me-"

"Put a sock in it, Kakuzu. Tobi's a good cleaner." Chuckled Kisame.

The kitchen fell silent and the Akatsuki waited eagerly to see what happened.

--------------------------------------

Author's Note: Hmmm a little shorter than the first one…but I liked how hard Tobi had to TRY to think.

But yet again that's Tobi for you, and yet he always knows how to hit Deidara's nerves.

Don't ask me what new swear word Hidan learned cause I have nooooo idea. XD You'd think the king of swear words would ever learn a new one.

The chapter of the plates is going to be super fun. Wait till you see what Tobi does with the hopefully non-exploding dinner wear.

See you next chapter!


	3. Chapter 3: Akatsuki Bonding

Claim: Characters belong to the Naruto series!

Tobi's Buffet

**Chapter Three: Akatsuki Bonding Time**

At the end of Deidara's brawl let's just just say it's a good thing Tobi wears a mask, but Deidara did, unfortunately, get his hair bands back and strutted off in some dignified way.

But Leader did make Tobi clean the kitchen, thanks to Kisame. _Bleh, Kisame-sama. _Thought Tobi accusingly, mopping up the kitchen floor an hour after the fight. Now all Tobi could do was wait for Deidara with those plates and dinner wear.

Tobi sighed, thinking about all the work he was going to have to do before lunch time. Paint all of those plates. Maybe Deidara-sempai would help. He perked up a little bit and began to warble out a song.

_Tobi _

_Obi _

_Mobi _

_Cobi_

_Tobi _

_Obi _

_Mobi _

_Cobi_

_Tobi _

_Obi _

_Mobi _

_Cobi_

_Tobi is a good boy!_

He giggled, and looked at the new kitchen floor. All done. He put the mop away then skipped into the hallway, where Itachi and Kakuzu where talking.

"Garbage." Kakuzu was saying, his hands on his hips.

"It's the new Icha-Icha Paradise." Itachi said coldly. "And I'd like to have it. Just give me early wage."

"Waste of money!" Rang Kakuzu. "No. If I did that then the whole Akatsuki would want early wages. You pervert."

"Yay, Itachi-sama is a pervert!" Cheered Tobi, dancing up to them, trying to wipe off their tense faces.

Kakuzu shot Tobi a disapproving look. Tobi only grinned. "If-If I get early wage can you take me to the grocery store?" He pleaded.

"No. No early wages. And I do food shopping."

"Can I make a list, then? Kakuzu-sama?" Asked Tobi, crestfallen.

"No! I have counting to do!" He snapped his heels and stalked away. Itachi stood there, looking a bit fumed.

"Itachi-sama." Said Tobi suddenly.

"Yes?" he asked, forced to turn to him.

"What's a pervert?"

Itachi stood silent while Tobi waited patiently.

"Your face." He finally said and walked away.

Tobi touched his mask in stupid wonder. "My face's a pervert? I'm going to tell Deidara-sempai! Maybe he's done with those plates!"

He walked towards Deidara's room, fascinated by the new wonder, and happy that Itachi's face is a pervert too, made him feel special to have something in common with Itachi-sama (Other than being an Uchiha). He remembered seeing Kakuzu looking annoyed and Itachi looking irritated and then another idea struck him. And he didn't even have to think!

He wouldn't paint all the dinner wear by himself. He would make everyone paint some dishes! Yeah, that way they could all be friends with some time together. So then if Itachi is friends with Kakuzu, and he could give Itachi early his wage.

He giggled with glee and knocked on Deidara's door. Deidara opened it and saw who it was, frowning. "What do you want, un?"

"Are you done?"

"Yeah." He answered and beckoned Tobi in. "Don't do anything stupid Tobi." He growled.

To Tobi's delight there was a stack of plates, bowls and cups lying on the floor. Deidara smiled smugly. "Tobi, it was easy. Now take them and leave."

He began handing Tobi dishes, as he was doing so Tobi began babbling. "Sempai, I had an idea. I was thinking that we should all paint the plates and stuff!"

Deidara stacked the bowls in Tobi's arms and furrowed his eye brows. "Stupid, why would we do that? We have more important things."

"But Deidara-sempai if we paint then we could all be friends!"

"Bonding time you mean?" Grunted Deidara, giving Tobi the rest of the plates.

"Yeah! Can we do it Sempai? Please, please?!" He said whiney.

Deidara eyed Tobi disapprovingly and said. "Fine." Tobi cheered, making the dishes wobble.

"Watch it!" Hissed Deidara, holding his hands out to balance the dishes in Tobi's arms.

"Sorry Sempai." Apologized Tobi.

"Listen." Groaned Deidara, disapproving the lack of serious-ness from 'bonding time' "I'll bring Sasori's old paints. We'll paint in the eating room, right?"

Tobi nodded, being hustled out of the room by Deidara. "You take the plates, Tobi, and don't drop them! Dobe. You can get everyone to the room." He smiled as if it wasn't going to work. No way would anyone want to "bond."

But Tobi nodded, determined, remembering the sake of his beloved table. The he added, "Sempai guess what?!"

Deidara was already going down the hall; he sighed and unwillingly turned to Tobi, like Itachi had done. "What? Tobi?"

"My face's a pervert like Itachi-sama's!" he said proudly.

Deidara's eyes widened, then turned around and began walking off to get as far away from Tobi as possible.

Next thing he knew, Tobi had all the plates stacked in the middle of the tarp-covered table and paints ready to be used. Deidara slinked into his chair, rambling on the stupid idea. "What's the point in this art? If it can't last a moment and truly be appreciated."

"Uh-huh." Replied Tobi, half-listening, setting a paint brush in front of every seat.

Deidara mocked his deceased partner in a false voice. "True art is eternal beauty." He smirked. "How absurd. But since that girl killed Sasori, I suppose my way is the true way. What true art really is, is art the lasts a moment." He looked at his mouths, they gritted their teeth together.

"All done!" Said Tobi, never listening to what Sempai was saying. "I'm going to get the others!"

He ran out of the room and began to run around the headquarters, banging doors.

He only knocked on Leader-sama's door. The leader opened it, looking suspicious. "I have a surprise for you! Go to the eating room!"

The leader sighed. "All right."

Hidan threw his open with a furious crash. "What the fuck do you want?"

"Leader says go to the eating room." Lied Tobi and dashed off.

He knocked all the doors and repeated the fake orders, then huffed back to the room before anyone else.

He found Deidara in the same position. Deidara smirked at Tobi. "So, are they coming?"

"Yeah!" Warbled Tobi.

The leader came in, actually looking surprised to see the art supplies. "Sit down Leader!" Encouraged Tobi. Pein slid in his chair suspiciously.

The rest filed in. Kisame looked at the Leader, all of them surprised by what's on the table. "You called us, leader?" Asked Kisame, leaning Samehada-chan against the wall this time.

"No," Answered the leader, as they all sat into their seats. "Tobi has a surprise for us."

A few of them shot him glares. Tobi grinned and stood up. "Akatsuki, I have a job for youuuuu! You have to help and paint some dishes. The dishes you paint are yours for when you eat!" he grinned more excitedly. "You can paint whatever you want! Deidara-sempai calls this 'bonding time'."

Few members groaned.

The members, complaining that they had better things to do, took a fair share of dishes. Tobi got two plates, a bowl and a cup. Then took his paint brush enthusiastically and dipped it in orange paint. He began to smear the paint onto the plate in the skills of a five year old child, not that he was aware of.

"Dumb idea." Mumbled Deidara, painting a bird that resembled one of his explosives on his plate.

"That's pretty Sempai." Complimented Tobi.

The others chatted about the nonsense of the plates; only a few like Blue-chan looked content painting.

"Hey," Called Hidan. "What'dya a think?" he held up his plate.

So far it said, "Hidan's Fucking Plate You Bastard."

"It looks like crap, jackass. Put some effort into it." Said Kakuzu, gingerly painting in gold.

"What about yours?" Protested Hidan. "You just have to have fucking gold coins on yours!"

Tobi craned to listen to the others. Blue-chan leaned over to see Itachi's plate. "Good work, Itachi-kun," She said admiringly. "I like the sharingan."

Leader-sama flicked his eyes towards Itachi, giving a jealous look. Itachi just looked at her and nodded.

"Kisame, I like your gold fish!" Complimented Tobi, almost finished painting his whole plate orange.

Kisame fumed at Tobi, looking down at the blue sea creature. "It's supposed to be a shark."

"Looks like a fish to me." Commented Hidan rudely.

Tobi frowned, ignoring Kisame now. Then he remembered Kakuzu and Itachi's earlier unfriendliness and called, "Kakuzu-sama, isn't Itachi-sama's plate good!"

Kakuzu jerked his head up from concentration at the sound of his name. Then he looked over at Itachi's plate. Itachi, also looking slightly surprised, glanced at Hidan, who shrugged. Kakuzu glanced at the plate admiringly. "_That_ would make me some money."

"To bad it's not for sale, right Itachi?" Asked Kisame, looking at his fellow partner.

Itachi looked a Kakuzu and said quietly, "You can have it if you give me an early wage."

"DEAL!" Roared Kakuzu, the same time Hidan said, "WHAT??!!"

"Yay! Friends!" Cried Tobi.

"What's going on?" Zetsu rasped.

Itachi did a few lasts strokes of red on his plate and lifted the sharingan plate to Kakuzu. Kakuzu's threads shot out and picked the plate in a matter of seconds. Putting it gently besides him, smiling greedily, he reached in his robe and produced a silk bag. He tossed it to Itachi, which caught it with a slight smirk on his face.

"Kisame, we're making a little trip tomorrow," he informed his partner. "Icha-icha Paradise is calling my name."

Kisame, who was fuming at his plate, turned to Itachi. "Of course, Itachi-san. We can get your perverted books-I'll come if you tell me why this looks like a damn blue gold-fish!" he pointed to his plate.

"It needs to be longer." Replied Itachi, cold again. "And a top fin…"

"I can't fucking believe you." Accused Hidan. "You only have time for anything with damn money! Not any respect for your own partner! "

"Your rituals are dumb and unnecessary," Informed Kakuzu stubbornly. He glanced at the plate. "This will be nice on the market. Besides Hidan don't make me take this outside." He gave Hidan a threatening look. "Or the head will come off." He made a slicing motion with his finger across his neck.

Hidan narrowed his eyes, raised his fist-in a tense moment, with the brush stuck in it. But then he dipped it in red paint and began scribbling swear words and Jashin praises on his mug, ignoring Kakuzu who shrugged and went back to painting.

Tobi finished two plates and a bowl, all trademark orange. He was so proud. He turned to his partner. "Like my plates Senpai?"

Deidara turned from Zetsu to Tobi, he frowned. "Even I can't call that art. Your skill is like an infant's."

"How about yours?" Asked Tobi unfazed.

Deidara sighed and gestured to the magnificently painted dinner wear. Tobi stared in awe. The plates where beautiful. They had painted explosives on them and clay birds. He turned to Deidara. "Sempai those look like the best ones!"

"And Kakuzu can't have them." Said Deidara smugly, he picked up a plate. "I like these…maybe…maybe Sasori was a little right on his theory." He sounded a tad shocked.

"Somethin' about long right?" Asked Tobi.

Deidara narrowed his eyes. "You weren't listening to me at all earlier where you!"

"Yup!"

"Why you-"But he was cut off.

"Tobi, tell me, is this good?" Came the leader's voice. The table fell silent.

Tobi looked over at Leader's painted dinner wear. It was the traditional black with red clouds. Tobi grinned and held up two thumbs. "Good leader-sama!"

The leader nodded. Then Blue-chan held up her own plate. "May I ask for opinion?"

Tobi very _gladly_ looked at hers too. It was white with a blue flower imprinted in the middle. Tobi said, "It's pretty like you Blue-chan!"

Blue smiled, while the Leader almost glared at Tobi.

--------------------------------------

Author's Note: Yay! Cliffhanger! Sorry if it took so long, I have been kinda busy. Tobi's determination leads to 'bonding time'! Its really isn't bonding if you ask me, lol. And what?! Deidara is actually realizing to Sasori's theory on art?????

Hmmmm, next chapter Tobi might take a trip to the grocery store….

So you next chapter!


	4. Chapter 4: Grocery Adventure

Claim: Characters belong to the Naruto series!

Tobi's Buffet

**Chapter 4: Grocery Adventure**

A half-an-hour later and the dishes where magnificently painted. Tobi _tried_ to give everyone a congratulating hug but ended up with bruises in inappropriate spots. Now Tobi sat alone, looking at all the plates, each one matched who it now belonged too.

Tobi's dinner wear was orange.

Kakuzu's painted with coins and jewels. Obviously.

Hidan's printed with swear words, Jashin praises and his real blood. Which he would explode later when Tobi washes it off after he ate off of it. Tobi shuddered.

Zetsu's was slashed with many colors, the two sides of him arguing what colors to use.

Itachi's painted sharingan, but missing the plate he sold to Kakuzu.

Kisame's with sharks-but Tobi thought they still looked like blue gold fish.

Blue-chan had flowers painted just like her hair accessory.

Leader had black and red clouds, just like their cloaks.

And finally-Deidara-sempai who had his designed clay birds on them. Tobi told him it looked like a girl painted it and got his head wrung. He rubbed his bruised head at the thought.

Now he had to move the plates to the kitchen. Picking up loads, he cheerily stuffed them in the coverts. It took a few minutes, because he knew if he broke one he would be struck dead. Especially by his "man-woman" sempai.

He went to the hallway. His plate plan was finished! He marched down through the headquarters looking for the tempered Kakuzu, now making his next move to save his table.

He found Kakuzu outside, plucking flowers from Blue-chan's garden and stuffing them in his bag.

"What are you doing? Kakuzu-sama?" Asked Tobi skipping (even though the bruises hurt a little) over to him.

Kakuzu whirled around, shocked to see Tobi. He was caught in his act of theft, but Tobi remained oblivious. "None of your business." Kakuzu sneered. "What do you want?"

Tobi scratched his black and blue bottom, and then grinned at Kakuzu. "When are you going to the grocery store?"

"In a few hours, why?" Answered Kakuzu, adjusting his robe-with a few clanking noises in the process.

"I need to come with!" Tobi insisted.

Kakuzu snorted. "_No way. _Last thing I need is some snotty kid tagging along."

"I'm a good boy!" Chorused Tobi-his favorite phrase.

Kakuzu sighed. "No Tobi. Now evaporate before I slice that little head off!"

"Please Kakuzu-sama! I'll do anything to go with!"

"Why? First tarps then paint plates." Asked Kakuzu.

"You'll see if you take me shopping!" Cheered Tobi. "I'll do anything."

"Anything?" Kakuzu echoed.

"Uh-huh"

"If you go shopping were buying with your wage then." Answered Kakuzu, looking grumpy.

Tobi jumped up and screamed for joy while Kakuzu clapped his hands to the sides of his head mumbling. Tobi followed then followed obediently, happy that his next step worked. To the grocery store!

----------------------------

"Are we there yet?" Tobi squawked for the bazzilionth time.

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No, Tobi."

"Are we there now?"

"_No_."

"Are we there now, now?"

"Damn Tobi, shut your trap or you'll loose your limbs to cook!" Hissed Kakuzu and Tobi suddenly fell silent behind him.

The Akatsuki pair made their way into a village now far from headquarters. It was bustling today, to Kakuzu's disappointment on staying low. Tobi waved merrily to everyone, oblivious to the strange stares he received.

After awhile of walking and Tobi's whining they had reached the super market. Tobi looked up at hit. "Man, that's a big grocery store."

"Yeah so shut up and don't you dare get lost in there!" Warned Kakuzu. "Stay close."

"Got it." Tobi saluted and they walked in.

Tobi was in heaven as they entered the busy grocery store. Food stalked the shelves, fresh or canned. Tobi's eye glittered with delight. "Kakuzu! Let's get going!" he began walking off into an isle with Kakuzu pushing a cart at his heels.

"What a pansy. Hidan would be cracking up at me if he saw me like this." Mumbled Kakuzu.

The first isle was a dairy isle, jammed pack with milk and cheese. Tobi headed for the milk, Kakuzu behind. "Look, Kakuzu-sama," Tobi got a gallon of low fat milk and pushed it into Kakuzu's face. "Itachi-sama will like this; it'll keep his figure in shape!"

"No get the skin milk," ordered Kakuzu. "It's ten cents less."

"Kakuzu-sama." Frowned Tobi. "I' am the captain of this mission. We will get what I say." He sounded so serious Kakuzu's jaw dropped. Tobi grinned, pleased, and dropped the milk into the cart. "Don't worry Kakuzu, I was just playin' with you!" And patted Kakuzu's shoulder, making him scowl.

"Swiss cheese, white cheese…cheese cheese." Tobi was dumping several of cheese into the cart.

"What's the cheese for?" Asked Kakuzu.

"Mac and Cheese." Answered Tobi and floated off to another isle.

"Damn pansy." Swore Kakuzu, running after. "Why does he have to run off so fast?"

------------------------------

Later on, the cart was half-filled.

"Kakuzu, what are these?" Tobi held up a box of pads (Coughyou know Cough) gingerly in the hygiene isle.

Kakuzu turned red, with embarrassment and anger. "Jackass," he hissed in a low voice. "Put that back, those are for _women_ only."

"Then I'll get it for Deidara-sempai, he'll appreciate it." And Tobi tossed the box of pads into the cart, leaving a stunned Kakuzu.

"Tobi! Wait a minute!"

"Yes Kakuzu-sama?"

"You don't understand, Deidara doesn't need _those_. That's for…for…for a woman's…a woman's…_natural problem_." He concluded, turning shades of colors on his face.

"Oh then Sempai really needs it! It's not good to ignore problems!" Said Tobi, then skipped off.

"Oh lord, how am I going to explain this at headquarters?" Whimpered Kakuzu, following the oblivious bliss Akatsuki companion.

"Tobi we have to get Kisame his raw fish, remember that." Kakuzu said once he was finally at Tobi's heels. "And Itachi needs his jello, Zetsu his raw meat and already cooked chicken breast for Leader and Blue…"

"Actually Kakuzu-sama, we're eating what I make tomorrow." Said Tobi stopping in the meat section.

Kakuzu blinked. "Tobi, the other members will be pissed when they don't get what they want."

"They'll want what I eat! Because I'm a good cook!" Tobi stood on his tip-toes leaning over the butcher's counter.

"I know that but-" Kakuzu was cut off however when a greasy butcher came to the counter.

"Hello, what would you like?" The butcher seemed completely unfazed on how creepy the two cloaked men looked.

"Uh…" began Tobi. "I'll have…"

"Fresh duck? Salmon? Sardines?" Asked the butcher.

"Uh…."

"Turkey breast? Pig's ears? Cow tongue?"

"Uh…."

"We'll take raw squid." Put in Kakuzu.

The butcher nodded and was about to reach for his gloves when Tobi shouted "WAIT!"

The butcher froze. "Yes?"

"Not squid. I'll take a pound of everything." Squawked Tobi.

Kakuzu's jaw dropped again. "No way! That's way too much-"

"Who's the captain?" Asked Tobi, facing him.

Kakuzu grimaced. "You are."

"Yay! Kudos for Kakuzu-sama!"

Once the butcher loaded the meat into the cart Tobi bid him good bye and ran off to another isle, Kakuzu pushing the cart behind much slower. He had a feeling this shopping trip wasn't going to stay in Tobi's budget.

Slowly walking in the isle, drowned in thoughts on how Tobi will die he was interrupted with a gruff voice clearing itself. Kakuzu blinked to see an old woman wearing a blue vest, obviously a grocery store worker, with her hand on her hip glaring at Kakuzu. "Sir, is that your child?" She pointed to a giant pile of cookie boxes, which fallen off the shelves (since those shelves where clean empty) and people running off. Kakuzu also noticed an orange head popped out of the pile.

His eyes widened. He didn't even hear a crash! For the love of-

"Look, Kakuzu-sama chips ahoy! Should we get peanut butter or cho-co-late chunkies?" Yelled Tobi holding up two boxes.

Kakuzu groaned and buried his face in his hands. After a moment he looked turned to the old woman, feeling angry. "Whatever your thinking lady, we are NOT cleaning those cookies up."

The lady gave a mean frown. "Then you will have to-"

But she never finished, Kakuzu's threads shot out and snapped the old lady's neck so fast, her eyes lolled and she slumped to the floor. Tobi cheered and jumped from the dump of cookies.

"Let's hurry up Tobi." Murmured Kakuzu.

"Okay!" And Tobi loaded some cookies into the cart.

--------------

Cart is now full. I repeat the cart is now full. But it doesn't end here.

"Soba noodles, Ramen, sushi…they'll be good Kakuzu-sama, I'm making them from scratch." Explained Tobi when he tossed noodles into the cart.

"Are we done here?" Asked Kakuzu, sick of Tobi's babbling.

He blinked and suddenly Tobi had vanished. "DAMN IT!" He swore loudly, getting the feeling that Hidan was rubbing off of him.

He looked to see a mother clasping her child's ears, who happened to look like a ninja with the head protector on, glaring at Kakuzu. Kakuzu glared back then continued on, now scouting for Tobi.

"I told him not to run off! When I get my hands on him I'll tear out all his fingers…" Kakuzu mumbled lazily. Not being in charge of shopping made him sleepy.

Then he wandered into the wine section. He hoped Tobi wouldn't be in here. Alcohol was the last thing that boy needed. But unfortunately, he did hear mad giggling. _Tobi's giggling._

He found Tobi alright, carrying an armload of wine bottles, laughing at one on the shelf. "Tobi, finally I found you! Hey what are you staring at?" He came over and leaned forward to see what Tobi found to funny.

"Look, Kakuzu-sama they put a naked lady on this bottle!" he pointed to the bottle.

"Pervert." He scolded, tugging on Tobi's collar. "Put that wine back. It's too pricy."

"Pervert?" Asked Tobi, allowing himself to be dragged away. "My face is a pervert!" He exclaimed blissfully.

Kakuzu squinted. "Who told you that?"

"Itachi-sama. I asked what a pervert is and he said it's my face!" he pointed to his mask in glee.

Kakuzu let go. "Hmph."

Tobi cocked his head at Kakuzu, and then said. "Wine makes the Leader be happy!" He then loaded the wine up and sprang up and down, examining the overloading cart. "We're done!"

"Finally. Let's pay and get out." Said Kakuzu.

----------------------

Tobi was very satisfied as the food was being put into millions of bags, he watched amazed at how fast the cashier checked the food out and squealed every time there was a beep, and no matter how many times Kakuzu strangled him or told him to shut up.

Once everything was in bags, the cashier glanced at the cash register screen and said, "Your total amount Sir is ---------------------."

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

--------------------------------------

Author's Note: Uh-oh, looks like Tobi has gone overboard. I wish I knew what the price was sigh I'll ask Kakuzu later…

Speaking of Kakuzu he's probably crying in an emo-corner.

Huh, the subject of Tobi being a pervert is not over yet! I think the next chapter out favorite pansies get into a "perverted discussion" while Tobi get's cookin that mac and cheese.

Tobi would love some reviews, he asks why wine makes the leader go loopy over Blue-chan —grin—

See U next chappi!

Thanks for loving this fic by the way! I love all you guys:) Here's an update:

UPDATE! If you like NejixTenten I got a new fic! If you don't well -- don't hate me, and just ignore my taste in pairings...and the story. --pets fic-- It's sooooo fluffy XD NejiTenten galore!


	5. Chapter 5: Dumb and Drunk

Disclaimer: Characters belong to the Naruto series!

**Chapter 5: Dumb and Drunk**

"We're baaaackkkkk!" Tobi sang as he and Kakuzu hauled in the bazillion bags of groceries into the kitchen. Kakuzu was still crying. Tobi couldn't understand why, they had lots of fun at the grocery store!

"DAMN you Tobi!" he kept saying.

"Kakuzu…." Tobi began slowly.

Kakuzu glared at him. "You little bastard! You are never shopping again!"

"Kakuzu….you should go to sleep."

"Sixteen Hundred. You spent sixteen hundred. SIXTEEN HUNDRED! Now I'm going to kill you that many times!" He dropped his bags and the threads shot out toward Tobi. Tobi squealed and ducked.

Kakuzu killed a lot of people before. And Tobi didn't want to die! "Stop." Came a voice.

Tobi looked up to see Leader and Blue-chan coming into the kitchen. The Leader glared at Kakuzu. "Kakuzu-san. Do not hurt Tobi."

"Y-yes Leader." Gasped Kakuzu through tears. He then laid slowly onto the tiled floor in an emo-corner and curled up like a kitten, sobbing.

Tobi sighed in relief. Kakuzu can be scary. Then he turned to the Leader. "I got all the food!"

The Leader scanned the room, full with bags. "Good."

Tobi picked a bag up, the one full with wine bottles, not wanting them to fall out. He looked up to see leader staring at the wine with wide eyes. "Tobi, y-you got wine?" he asked faintly.

"No Pein." Scolded Blue-chan turning red. "No alcohol for you!"

"I'm Leader." He said to her and she scowled.

Tobi watched eager to please Leader. "You want wine Leader-sama?"

"Immediately!" Leader said and sat at the counter, pulling Blue-chan next to him. Blue sighed and buried her face into her hands.

Tobi ran to a cupboard and peered inside. He couldn't see any shot glasses, maybe Deidara took them again. So instead Tobi pulled out Leader's painted mug.

"Is this okay Leader-sama?" he asked showing the cup.

Pein nodded eagerly. Tobi excitedly took a wine bottle and pulled on the cork. Funny, it didn't come out. Tobi pulled harder again, letting out a grunt in the process. He then held the bottle in front of his face and frowned at it. Maybe the bottle didn't like him. So then put the cork in his eye hole and jerked up. Instead his mask just shifted a little.

"Moron." Grunted the Leader. "Get a cork opener."

Re-adjusting his mask Tobi said, "Ooooh you mean that thing Hidan uses on his eyes?"

"Yes." Answered Blue, looking un-settled.

"Okay." He opened the "scary drawer" filled with sharp stake knives and jutted bread knives and other sharp tools. He pulled out the little cork opener and instinctively used it on the cork the right way.

He did it with force and the cork when flying across the room; it ended up hitting Kakuzu's head. But the bounty hunter gave no notice and continued bawling over his precious lost money.

Soon enough Leader had a wine filled cup, along with Blue-chan who didn't look happy at all in this moment. Tobi however was singing merrily while setting up pots over the stove to begin to cook, putting on his apron.

"Hey Konan," Began the Leader, smiling groggily while gulping down his wine.

"Call me Blue, Pein."

"Why don't you ever use your real name? It's as pretty as you are!" The leader said, making Konan blush.

"Your name is _Konan_?" Asked Tobi, dumbstruck from cutting cheese. "But Blue-chan, your Blue-name matches your hair!"

"Blue is a nickname Tobi." Answered Blue-chan.

"Blueeee…." The leader began to play with her hair. "Konaaaannnn."

"Your getting drunk Pein!" I warned you!" Said his female partner, embarrassed.

Leader took another massive gulp of wine. Tobi was busy melting cheese. He liked gooey cheese. He giggled a little as he took the melted cheese between his fingers. _Gooey_.

"Is anyone going to put away all this food?" Asked Blue-chan suddenly, inching away from the drunken s-class shinobi. Tobi was now dumping the Mac and cheese noodles into the pot on the stove, lost in his world. Blue looked over at him. "Are you cooking?" She asked. Amazed.

"For tomorrow." Answered Tobi.

"Then er…I'll put away the food."

"Come back here!" Cried Pein, after refilling his cup. "Your hair is so pretty! Can we do what we did-"

"No Pein!" She said, cutting him off.

"Awww." Suddenly he narrowed his eyes at crying Kakuzu. "Shut up you money whore! Acting like a five year old!" His voice dripped with all signs of being drunk.

Tobi was now wiggling a little as he stirred the Mac and cheese to his own rhythm. Life was good right now! He was his beloved table's savior!

The vision of tuxedo clad Akatsuki members sitting straight and stiff in front a massive amount of food in the meal food came to him. They where all eating with out a drip of liquid or a drop of crumbs. Samehada-chan long gone and Deidara's hands clamped shut. One of Itachi's eyes adorned with a smarmy monocle…wait, WTF?

But in all, Tobi felt a little teary from happiness.

But of course that would never happen, much to Tobi's fairytale…other than marrying Blue-chan.

Blue began to rapidly empty bags and stock the fridge. While drunken Pein cat-called at her and tried lame pickup lines. Sadly, Tobi was oblivious to what most of them meant.

Soon enough the door opened and by the delicate footsteps Tobi knew who came in. Itachi. Unfortunately he stepped in at the same time Pein slurred at Blue, "If you where available at a candy store, I'll make sure to get a sample!" And winked while Blue stiffened.

Itachi blinked. Why was the Leader saying hookup lines to his partner? And why was Tobi in a frilly apron dancing and cooking to no hearable music? AND WHY THE HELL WAS KAKUZU IN HIS EMO CORNER???!!!

"Kakuzu." Itachi said coldly. "Get out of there. That is _my_ emo corner. Go cry in your own."

Kakuzu began crying harder as he glanced at Itachi. "Don't say anything emo psycho boy! I just lost sixteen h-hundred to-to that!" he threw a finger at Tobi who grinned and waved from the stove.

"No!" Wailed Kakuzu.

"Hey Itachi!" The Leader drawled.

Itachi turned to the leader, noticing he was obviously drunk. "Come take a load of your shoulders and have a drink. TOBI! Get Itachi a drink!" Commanded the Leader. With out a response from the Uchiha, The Leader took Itachi's elbow and slammed him into the seat next to him.

Right away a wine filled sharingan cup was in front of Itachi. Itachi looked up quizzically but Tobi was already back to dancing and began to cut bread. So Itachi lifted his cup and took a tiny sip of the wine. He reached inside his robes and pulled out his book.

"Hey is that one of your perverted books!?" Asked the Leader.

"Yes. I'm catching up to prepare for the new one I'm getting tomorrow." Said Itachi quietly.

"I heard all the dateless desperate guys cleave to those books." But then he huffed proudly, "Unlike me I got my sexy woman!"

Itachi, mid sip in a drink of wine sputtered it out and looked uncertainly at Pein. "Are you sure your okay? Leader-sama?"

"I'm good!" he answered, taking another long sip. "Be a man and chug!" He thrust Itachi's cup to his mouth.

The sharingan user, quite afraid, took the cup and drained it down while the Leader nodded in satisfactory. Itachi emitted a hiccup.

"That sounded funny, Itachi-sama!" Giggled Tobi, who caught that.

"Kakuzu get outta of ma emo corner!" Drooled Itachi pointing at Kakuzu. "Thatz where I go!"

Kakuzu, sniffling turn to glare at Itachi. "Look at that Leader, you made the clan assassin drunk!"

"Nuh-uh." Protested the Leader.

Tobi turned around. "Itachi I wanted to ask…is my face more of a pervert than yours?"

Itachi looked at him and flinched when he hiccupped, his hypnotic eyes a little crossed. "What are you talking about Tobi?"

Tobi blinked. "You told me, Itachi, that a pervert was my face."

"Oooohhhh that." Said Itachi as the Leader re-filled his and Itachi's cups. Blue gave a nervous look as she was putting the milk away. "That was just to get rid of you."

"You don't know what a pervert is?" Boomed the Leader looking surprised.

"A pervert Tobi, is someone that-_hic_- thinks dirty things about woman." Responded Itachi, not knowing his dignity was draining away.

"Oh." Answered Tobi. It was silent then he said, "I still don't get it."

Kakuzu slapped his forehead, still in the emo corner. "Dumb ass. If you read Icha-Icha Paradise then you're a pervert."

"Icha icha Paradise is not a perverted book!" Interrupted Itachi loudly, taking a massive gulp of wine. "It's a masterpiece of art about inspiring fiery passionate love between a man and woman! True art in words I tell you!"

"No. It's a book filled with a buncha scenes of people fucking each other." Protested Kakuzu. "Waste of m-money!" And he erupted crying again.

Tobi shrugged his shoulders and began piling vegetables from the fridge.

"Why did you tell Tobi his face iza pervert? He's not going to understand that, even if hell freezes over." Interrupted Leader draining the last of the cup.

"He looked pretty happy when he heat-_HIC_-I mean, heard it." Itachi wined. "Don't blame me, he's dumb. And damnit Kakuzu get out of my fucking emo corneeerrrr!"

"You sure are whiney for an Uchiha." Kakuzu answered, rubbing his eyes. "Damn Tobi this floor sure is clean."

"I clean it daily!" Warbled Tobi proudly.

"Uh. Kakuzu-san." Blue said suddenly, her eyes wide, looking into a bag.

Kakuzu looked up miserably. "Yeah?"

"Don't hit on my woman like that!" Roared the Leader shooting up looking lethal...and drunk.

"Why did you get these?" Then she held up the box of pads, looking furious.

"Oh those are for Deidara-sempai!" Explained Tobi enthusiastically. "It's to fix his natural problem! It's a good thing Kakuzu told me."

Blue looked at Kakuzu again who looked terrified of receiving a woman's wrath. "No...No don't drag me into it! I had nothing to do with it!"

"Go get 'em babe!" Roared Pein.

"Oh I will." Konan cracked her knuckles.

--------------------------------------

Author's Note: Lol. Drunk Itachi is funneh XD

Lord Tobi, sixteen hundred? D: Way to ruin Kakuzu.

Hey, just have to say, thanks for reading! You guys rock! XD You guys are also making me become greedy for reviews, lol.

This story is getting so random and messed up but I still like writing it! You would or would not probably know how hard it is to write on Tobi's perspective . , he's unpredictable!

Just to let you know the story's seeping close to the grand finale. I'm feeling:( and :)

Hmmmm…I think that's all I have to say for now. OH WAIT! **Manga Spoiler/Rumor: Blue's name is revealed in next chapter I believe. Her name is Konan and she does origami jutsus! **At least that's what I picked of from NarutoFan and Deviantart. Lol, she kicks ass! XD Origami kunoichi!

See you next chuppie!!!!!!!!


	6. Chapter 6: Finito

Disclaimer: Characters belong to the Naruto series!

Tobi's Buffet

**Chapter 6: Finito**

The cooking is finito. (Is that even a word?) Done. Finished. Over. Terminado. No more.

Now there was only one step left. Tobi glanced at the kitchen clock. 3:00 AM.

The Grand Finale is near.

--------------------------------------

Author's Note: Haha! Bet I surprised you with this chapter! I'm so cruel. :D

NEXT CHAPTER IS THE FINALE! It'l come soon when I refill on writing juice.

Make sure to check for the last chapter. So see you then!


	7. Chapter 7: Tobi's Buffet

Disclaimer: Characters belong to the Naruto series!

Tobi's Buffet

**Chapter 7: Tobi's Buffet **

**Oh-my-gosh I finally got off my busy agenda and finished!**

**Sorry it took so long peeps.**

**So please, Enjoy!**

Konan groggily opened her eyes with a flicker. She was staring fully at the painted ceiling. Yesterday was terrible. She never felt humiliated. Oh lord and when she found the box…

An uncontrollable rage had filled her. The Akatsuki had some really screwed up members. She always thought Tobi was retarded but not retarded enough…

Okay thinking about the mastermind like that was not a morning's start. She changed her mental topic and mentally complained on how awful Pein's hangover was. _And Itachi's_.

Honestly all the Uchiha had to do was stand up and walk away, but he seemed too scared to disobey the leader's orders, besides the alcohol level.

Above all Tobi was cooking madly yesterday. She didn't think he-both of his personalities-were the type to cook. Besides cooking…she suddenly whiffed the air.

Crisp sweet cinnamon apple.

She sat up and blinked. She hadn't smell anything sweet like that in an Akatsuki hideout (It's filled with sweaty dirty men and their horrid stench after missions) since she had once baked brownies losing a bet with Kakuzu.

Could that possible be…Tobi's cooking?

Impossible. The mental picture of Tobi setting a platter of burnt jiggly stuff in front of her was more likely than setting a fresh plate of pancakes down. Interested she slowly got out of her bed to put on her clothes, wanting to go down to the kitchen before meal time.

------

Kakuzu clung tightly to his porcelain piggybank. His eyes were tightly shut and his screwed up mouth twisted into a horrified grimace. For some reason the nightmares of Nii Yugito and Hidan all returned.

All night he felt frozen stiff in his nightmare, watching the blonde being bloodied and her corpse being shredded-all caused by Hidan during his scarifies to the dogma or the whats-a-mahoosit. Or Jashin? He had no clue; he didn't follow Hidan's religion.

In result something like Nii Yugito being shredded apart wouldn't usually bother him. Especially if Hidan did it. But the first time he saw Yugito…it painfully reminded him of someone. But he couldn't lay his finger on it. He met him sometime a little before he joined the Akatsuki. It was indeed a young boy from Kumo. The face was blurry in his mind; the innocent boy's words were rolling over his mind.

"_Sorry sir! I was looking for my cousin."_

"_You're that kid from the sushi stand."_

"_Yeah! M-Maybe you have seen my cousin around. She's in her early twenties. Tall with blonde hair. Kumo shinobi with cat eyes. Know her?"_

"_Why the hell would I know her?" _Kakuzu remembered he somehow softened up after the kid's look and sighed. _"What's her name?"_

"_Nii Yugito..." _

"_Why do you look so frantic anyways?"_

"_She was suppose to teach me a how to throw a shuriken. She's really good. In fact she's my best cousin ever! Probably a better shinobi than you."_

"_Why you little-"_

His memories ended there. But the way he spoke about Yugito…so highly he even risked pissing Kakuzu off. For some reason he grew onto that boy like glue.

Suddenly his black colored eyes popped open. He sprang up and wiped the cold sweat on his brow. God why did that little kid make him feel so guilty?

He sniffled, a strong scent suddenly entered his nose and he chocked, dropping his piggybank. His thoughts and nightmare slipped away and the larger thought took over: _Lord what was that smell?!_

----

Across the room from the choking Kakuzu was Hidan, snoring loudly in his bed. He snorted in his sleep as he heard the choking then a shatter of glass.

At the sudden noise like an alarm Hidan opened his eyes and sat up. What was Kakuzu trying to do? Piss him off? _In the morning._

Mumbling a thread of swear words he looked over to see Kakuzu supporting himself, pinching his nose at the same time. Hidan looked on the floor to see the shards of a once porcelain piggybank. That was the third one.

"What the hell Kakuzu." Hidan said angrily. "Did you choke on your saliva or something?"

"No it's not that-"

"No wait! I know you're in shock that you broke another piggybank. Shame it was the pink one. Heh, you gotta stop sleeping with your fucking piggybanks!" He took a good mean look at Kakuzu.

"No I had bad thought." Grumbled Kakuzu. Then he groaned at the mess on the floor.

"Is it about that freakish cat jinchuuriki again?" Yawned Hidan. He ruffled his bed head. "Don't tell me you were fucking in love with her or anything…well she was kind of hot but still the bitch was pain in the-"

"Your way off Hidan." Spat Kakuzu. "Her damn cousin is drilling holes into my brain."

"Cousin?"

"Someone long ago. Doesn't matter." He cleared his voice, and inhaled largely.

What the-Hidan sniffed the air too. A sweet scent warm scent filled his nostrils. It smelled so artificial-like from a candle. "What the fuck is that aroma?"

"Tobi." Grumbled Kakuzu darkly.

"How possibly can retarded Tobi make such a nice smell?" Protested Hidan, sniffing the air again. "The only can that come from his is gas. And that _does not_ smell nice."

"He's cooking moron." Kakuzu stepped up, ignoring his broken piggybank. He approached his dresser for his clothes.

"Hey, what are doing?" Asked Hidan.

"Getting ready. I'll leave you and your morning rituals alone." He had heavy distaste in his voice and he pulled out his clean Akatsuki cloak.

"Fuck you." Came Hidan's reply, making rude gestures at Kakuzu's back, even though he stood up to get dressed too.

------

Itachi was already awake head start. He was sitting on his bed, his eyes scanning quickly across the print. For the s-class lethally cool shinobi his face was unusually flushed. That could only mean one thing:

Icha-Icha Paradise!

The new book, he had to admit, was freakin awesome. Just when he was sucked into the forbidden romance between the kunoichi from the Land of Honey and the Iwa shinobi it totally turned around to the point that they both were best friends with the same person, a Kumo shinobi, who coincidently was in love with the kunoichi, but truly belong with the other kunoichi that was the Iwa shinobi's cousin. Whew. Try saying _that_ in one breath.

He inhaled sharply as he reached a max point in the book. The Iwa shinobi's cousin had just told the Kumo guy she was in love-

_Wait._

His piercing sharingan appeared form the top of the book when he inhaled again. This sugary aroma fled into his insides. It smelt like warm cinnamon. How come he never noticed it before?

Curiously he dropped his book on his bed and left the room.

------

Zetsu woke up.

For once him room didn't smell like human flesh.

------

Unlike Zetsu, Kisame found the replacement smell quite nice. Reminded him the time Konan lost that bet. Those brownies tasted terrible…did Konan loose another bet?

_Damn no one tells me what's going on anymore!_Kisame leaped out of bed and too the door, not wanting to miss Konan in an apron.

------

Deidara was up and moody. Tobi didn't clean up his bed. He glared at the messy side of the room. _Tobi! _

He snorted. Unlike the other Akatsuki members he smelled the air right away. It smelled nice and pretty _but why? _Did Leader finally get air fresheners around this smelly place?

He was pissed. The strong clay smell in the room was overpowered by the sweet smell. And the smell was making him hungry but of course…

Sweet stuff was for sissies. Not the Akatsuki.

---

Finally our dear leader, who was adjusting his piercings in front of his mirror in the largest finest room in the Akatsuki head quarters.

He of course knew who was causing the smell. He would have already been up earlier out and about but he had a little headache. All he could recall last night was Tobi with a shopping bag full of wine.

Ugh. He glanced at his clock. Five minutes until eating time. Might as well go see what Tobi did.

------

Tobi himself set a platter down. Today was going to be the best day!

His table was glossy and clean, and the Samehada mark is totally covered up with the new mats! It was his dream.

The door suddenly opened, making him jump. Breakfast wasn't for a few minutes.

But his face lit up as he realized who it was. Blue-chan! "Hello Blue-chan!" He called waving madly from across the room.

Blue blinked and looked at the gourmet quality food that settled in the center of the table. Followed by everyone's personal dishes set up in a fancy way that only restaurants could pull off. Blue was in disbelief.

"T-Tobi you did this?!" She asked.

"Sit down Blue-chan!" he suddenly said, ushering her to her chair. She sat down before he could touch her.

Tobi took notice that Blue-chan's hair wasn't as shiny as it usually is. "Blue-chan, why is your hair not very shiny?"

She shot him a death glare. "Sama. Tobi. Not chan. _Sama_." She looked at the food in front of her. "Why did you do all of this?"

"Because people are messy eaters, and they where ruining my table. Like Samehada."

"Ah."

"Help your self Blue-ch-I mean Blue-sama! Just don't make a mess!" Tobi said cheerily, and then danced into the kitchen.

----

She noted mentally that Tobi is completely a freak. But at least his cooking was good.

The door opened and Pein walked in. His eyes shifted at the fancy-full sight. Good, he was normal again. Then he glanced at her, currently Konan's cheeks where stuffed with blueberry pancakes. The sight caused him to slightly smirk.

"Don't say anything." She said with a mouthful so it really sounded like this, "On ay amy'in."

"You look like a chipmunk." He commented anyways, making her narrow her eyes at him. "So this is what Tobi's been working for the past days?" He said tonelessly, taking his seat.

"Hmm.Hmm." She answered, finally swallowing the mouthful.

Just on cue Tobi came in with a full bowl of vanilla pudding. He saw Pein and jump with a start. "Y-Your early Leader-sama!" he gasped. Poor Tobi, he really wanted some more _alone time_ with the prettiest Akatsuki member. He set the pudding someway away from the leader and turned to him.

"Leader-sama it's a buffet for breakfast!" he beamed proudly, waving his arms.

"I see that." He answered and began to help himself.

"Don't you like it?"

"…"

"…"

"Leader?"

"Answer Pein!" Woman wrath!

"Do you like my piercings?"

"Sure…"

"There's my answer to you." And Pein fell silent, leaving a very confused Tobi.

The doors banged open again. Hidan came in, his nose in the air like a little puppy discovering ham on the counter. He then glanced at the room.

"Holy Jashin."

"Holy Jashin? I never hear-" Kakuzu paused as he looked at extravagant feast. "Holy Jashin." He echoed.

Hidan's head snapped toward Kakuzu. "What the hell?! You can't say that you don't follow my 'stupid' religion!" He did air quotes on 'stupid.'

"Sit down." Pein said softly.

Hidan and Kakuzu immediately sat down in their usual chairs. "What the fuck happened?" he demanded.

"Tobi made us an unusually large breakfast." Konan answered.

"Hidan-sama, Kakuzu-sama, welcome to my buffet!" Tobi cheered, clapping his hand, which where temporarily covered with yellow oven mitts.

Kakuzu sweat dropped and Hidan slapped his forehead at the sight. Tobi only continued to grin under his mask.

"My God Tobi, take off the fucking apron." Hidan said.

Tobi shook his head gingerly. "I can't or I'll get burned! Now eat up! I made it 'specially for you! But don't make a mess."

"Why did you do all of this?" Kakuzu grunted, trying to hide the fact that he was satisfied.

"My table." Then he skipped back into the kitchen.

While he was gone Itachi wandered in. He made no comment as he sat down. But as soon as he did he began to fill his plate into a tower of chocolate pancakes.

Everyone gave him a questioning look. He looked up and explained quietly, "My Mother used to make these. It's been a long time."

Of course no one dared to answer.

Then Zetsu, both sides of the faces in a twisted smile as he noticed the roasted pig in front of his plate.

Deidara grouchy like, mumbling to himself. He sat in his seat. Finally he looked up and his blue eye went wide.

"Tobi." Everyone said (minus Itachi).

"Finally I can see what he's up to, un!" And began to frantically grab food.

Kisame soon skidded in, just as Tobi re-entered through the door. "Hey I sme-Holy Moly…" He looked at all the food. "What is this?!"

"Tobi's Buffet!" Tobi screamed.

And thus breakfast commenced…to Tobi's relief his table was securely safe. Until the very end…

"Hey what should we do with this food?"

"Save it for Tobi's _Lunch_ Buffet!" Tobi answered cheerily, patting his now rounded stomach.

"We get three buffets a day?!" Kakuzu asked with the others grinned greedily.

"Hey I know what's better than saving it…" Kisame said, a smile spreading across his fishy face.

"What?" Hidan asked.

"FOOD FIGHT!"

**The End**

--------------------------------------

Author's Note: Sorry it took so damn long. I'm so angry at myself. D:

But it finished with a splat!

Thanks for reading:D You've been a fabulous reader and I appreciate it.


End file.
